All Quiet on the Western Front

Here’s what happens when you are 5 days past your due date. At least if you’re me.

The phone utterly stops ringing. I haven’t had such a lifeless phone since I, well, I can’t seem to remember.

It’s too bad that all those women who complain about getting lots of inquiring calls around their due date wreck it for the rest of us. Sure, it’s kinda funny when you’re just in the bathroom and can’t grab the phone and the message that you get is one where someone grows much more frantic as they go.

“Hello? Hello? You aren’t there? Oh wow, so that probably means you guys are at the hospital right? OH MY GOD! This is sooooo exciting! Puleeeeze let us know when the baby is born!! Wait, I wonder if I should call you on your cell phone? No, no. I don’t want to bother you. You might be, like, pushing RIGHT NOW! Okay, well, congrats you guys!! We are so happy for you!”

So yeah, it’s kinda funny having to call that friend or family member back three minutes later to let them know that no, even though you are some 23 days past your due date there is still no action and you couldn’t grab the phone because you were really just peeing (again).

Apparently, for most women, these calls are annoying. I’m not sure why. Is it that they don’t want to be reminded that they are waiting for a baby to come? Are they spending all that pre-labor time doing a reclusive yogic ritual that doesn’t allow them to use the telephone? Or maybe they’re super busy regrouting their bathrooms in a manic last-minute nesting surge? And answering the phone interrupts the self-imposed HGTV-like deadline they’ve given themselves?

For the record, I’m always happy to chat on the phone. My mother is not here to attest to it, but, believe me, I did some stellar phone work in my teen years. And my cell phone bills as an adult attest to the fact that I’ve managed to maintain some world-class phone-talkin’ endurance.

Granted, I might not have much to say other than what I thought of the dowdy dress Meredith Viera wore on The Today Show. (What up with the matronly navy dress with the vampish patten leather stiletto boots?) But I’m sure you’ve got something new or interesting to tell me about. I’d love to hear all about the mundane details of your day! Hey, I’ve got TiVo here, so a phone call from you will barely impact the 24/7 Law & Order-watching vigil that I’ve been keeping. I can just hit ‘pause.’ No harm done!

This is your time people. I’m all ears! I’m here for you! The phone lines are open.