Damned Indecision

Posted: December 4th, 2006 | Author: kristen from motherload | Filed under: Friends and Strangers, Misc Neuroses, Miss Kate | No Comments »

Of course, just when my nanny frustration level reaches a peak of what I think is no return, something happens to make me decide to re-embrace Shelly. I know it’s a far-flung comparison, but I totally get how people in abusive relationships convince themselves to stick around. One day is bad, and the next day the person shows all their wonderful attributes. It almost makes me question myself. Was she really that bitchy?

So with the main issue being the have-to-be-home-down-to-the-minute, the day after our last “episode” in which I’d mistaken an early-home day for a late-home day, I hit a shitload of traffic going home. And traffic itself doesn’t even get to me any more. Who cares about sitting in traffic. It’s me envisioning the hell I’ll pay when I walk in the door late. And even cringing at the thought of calling to confess that a second night in a row I’m going to be late.

I mean, it is my lateness. So maybe I’m truly at fault… though she was pretty nasty that night. Oh God, see? I go round and round.

So I’m all scared and I call to say I’m in traffic and I’ll be late. She asks how late, and I want to say, “How the hell do I know?” but I just say, “It’s hard to say. Hopefully not too late.”

Then I steel myself to what is going to happen when I walk in the door. It’s like getting in trouble when you are a teenager and you decide that you can hear anything. All you need to do is stand there and listen to your mother rant on at you about whatever it is that you did, and you think that you can take it, you just have to stand there and listen and then it will be over. It’s just words, right?

So I summon my teen-like powers of negative energy rebuffing, and unlock the door to walk into a picture of domestic bliss. Kate is in her high chair, gurgling happily at Shelly and eating dinner. Shelly greets me with a smile and says she started giving Katie (as she always calls her) some dinner. She gives me a run-down of their day, and tells me more about the cold she fears Kate is catching. (She’d called during the day to tell me about it too.) She suggests I take her to a doctor.

Then the next day, which she has off, she calls in the afternoon to check on how Kate is doing and what the doctor had to say.

Oy! This makes it hard to stay annoyed with her. Am I crazy? Or worse, am I just lazy and don’t want to put the effort into finding someone else? Someone who is maybe better on the getting-home-late front, but doesn’t love Kate as much, or cook her healthy food, or take a geunine interest in teaching her things.

We’ve talked about finding another family with a baby Kate’s age or slightly older who might want to do share-care part-time. So, some of the time Kate would have a playmate, and some time she’d have solo nanny time.

Tonight when I got home, Shelly–all happy and friendly and cute with Kate and nice to me–reminded me I should post a listing to find another family. And I’ve been dragging my heels since I don’t know whether she’s a long-term solution for us. Why bring another family into the situation? And how can I write an ad, conceivably extolling Shelly’s virtues to someone else seeking a nanny, when I have my own issues with her?

If I were a friend with this problem the advice I would give would be to at least, at first, talk to the nanny. Express all the concerns I’ve had with her and explain that it’s been frustrating. See if there is a way to improve the situation. But somehow when I get home from work every night I just want to be with Kate, and don’t want to get into it.

If she could only be consistently annoying–and not totally great when she’s not being annoying–it’d be so much easier.

Maybe I just need to set a deadline for myself. By the end of the week I will talk to her about this. Ugh. I have never been one for these kinds of conversations, but feel like I’ve gotten better about them since I’ve had to give feedback to people at work over the years and learned to not shy away from it.

Okay. Resolved to do this now. Will report back with my progress.

Oh and P.S. The other thing I need to make a decision on is when to wean Kate. I seem to keep saying I want to, then get lured back in by wanting to give her what she wants, especially since I’m away from her for work and then feel guilty about denying her.

Must decide what to do, or decide to not decide on anything for a while. But will decide on that later.

---